How To Break Out of Codependency For Good

 Trying, Trying, Trying, 

Itching to get it right. I have fallen over the edge of my own existence trying to untangle myself from the webs of deception, both online and in real life. I have been aching for a parcel or package that enraptures the heaviness of breath I feel; I feel and fill and full on take the responsibility for my emotional states.

One neuron at a time. One split-moment, hair raising decision at a time. Today, it was the decision to clean my room. And while all the Feng-Shui and Eastern Philosophies fall by the wayward side in my attempts to destroy myself, I still feel the need to come clean. Over and over again. 

It is as if the most dreadful component of my existence, something I will forever Cherish, Nurture and Adore is the thing that haunts me the most; Loneliness. How utterly alone do we feel? This fear runs like sand in the Sahara Desert. Or water in the Ganges. Just like the cliches I cannot outrun, I cannot outrun the Toxicity of CoDependency. I choose to break my chains one at a time, like any sane human being would. 

Yet, I imagine it to be easier said than done. Before I wrote this post, I was thinking of writing a Book about CoDependency. Yet, unbeknownst to my knowledge, this was hypocrisy at it's finest. How could I write a book on a subject I was still just beginning to view, like the way you would view a lion's mane, on a National Geographic Documentary about Africa. 

So I started doing what I thought was almost impossible. I put my relationships on an extended angle, far enough to know I can cope without constant presence of a caretaker or loved one, and close enough for compassion. Which is a huge thing, that I believe in whole-heartedly, albeit a bit recklessly. I cannot even believe myself when I tell you, I gave up fighting for approval of a tiny niche in the Self-Help Column, or fighting for shelf space at the local Cole's whilst rejecting a Coors Light. Even those ones can't do justice. Neither could Lady Liberty. Could I do justice to a way of relating to humans that I inherited from my Ancestors? Or, could I retreat back into my shell, forever seeking closure in Loneliness. 

Here's the interesting part. Almost always, the answers come from within. And this is one of life's biggest mysterious. What is the source? So we search and search and search. Only to find the mystery unravelling before our very eyes. The answers only present themselves if we have a telescopic view of our inherent nature. So before I knew CoDependency, I knew myself. 

Where was I?

 What did I Do? 

What Did I See?

And I ask and I ask and I ask? Do you see the point of this? Even the article itself is mired, not just mired but trenched in schisms of CoDependency.

But Why?

Is it the Capitalist Agenda to destroy our inherent safety net? Or did I once again take on the burden of Atlas? And whilst my windowsill musings turned into window pane, I concurred that there was no resolution in trying to write about CoDependency when I have not even started to depend on myself yet. Instead, I have dwelled on the size of my audience and what benefits it can provide for me. If that's not CoDependency, I don't know what is. 

The Bare Minimum Truth: 

The Only Way To Break Out of CoDependency?

Through Trial and Error. 

How It Feels To Be An Over-Achieving Nihilist

 When you hear the term Nihilist, you probably immediately think of The Joker. I reckon he is the ultimate Nihilist. I reckon he is the ultimate Nihilist. 

But is he really?

Maybe he's the one who's been lucky enough to have a spot as a villain in award-winning comics and an entire Movie Saga. However, there are good Nihilists; High-Functioning, productive members of society with Morbid, Nihilistic Tendencies. 

1. Meeting your High Standards justifies your life. Only for Today. Tomorrow, your start back at Point 0. 

2. Monotonous tasks don't kill your Spirit. They make you as High as a Kite. Sometimes. 

3. You are equally obsessed and deeply resentful of functioning in a Performance-Based Economy. 

4. Money is your biggest motivator and the most numbing part of your existence. 

5. You are materialistic, superficial and full of unbearable sorrow that only exists due to the way you think. As a Nihilist though, there's nothing you can do about it. Do you see where this is going?

6. You can't count the number of times you've planned the Perfect Date, Brunch with The Ladies, Movie Nights with Mom, only to have your Clinical Depression snatch it away at the very last minute. 

7. The idea of moving away to a remote village is more realistic than a steady career at Medium.

8. You could let dust bunnies eat up your couch if you stopped acting like Lady MacBeth. 

9. Every good story you have is about what you achieved and how you're still the most miserable person on planet earth. 

10. You could go on for weeks without talking to your family and friends if it was socially acceptable. 

You see, mainstream society seems to snub it's nose at spacing out of unnecessary conversations, family drama, and saying No to other people's Emotional Baggage. It's promoted as part and parcel of Family Matters. In reality, a Global Nihilistic Agenda hidden under the guise of "Family Values." 

Ironically, this is the same society that enables and promotes Divorce and the increasing opportunity for a single-parent households. But that's none of my business right? 

Despite all this, I am still a Conservative. Don't ask me Why. 

I have no Idea!

Quote of the Day

"I am always humbled by the fact that an asteroid could hit the planet at any time and wipe us free of all existential crises. It would absolve us of responsibilities and I find that very comforting." 

Exploring The Dynamics Of A Broken Relationship

 When I think of beautiful things in my life, I think of everything except brokenness. Despite living in a world where Compassion exists everywhere we want to try looking for it, I still fall short of my keenness to look for the good side of broken things. 

I was broken once upon a time. It was something I considered to be a shameful piece of me. Yet, I considered every goal under the world to be something I could use to move past my pain. In the inevitable case that you find yourself in the same position, I want you to know that brokenness is a part of our humanity. It actually connects me to myself deeper than anything else ever has. 

It wasn't until I began to ask the deeper questions in life, thanks to the Kindness of Strangers, that I began to reckon with my brokenness. I did not believe that therapy or friends would help me. I shut out every kind word from my mom. In other words, I learned the hard way on how to deal with the complex emotions and feelings that my brokenness presented to me on a daily basis. Furthermore, I became isolated to the point of existing as an Island before I realized how much help I needed. 

The same things that broke me are the same things that fix me. I do not know why life is absurd and full of such complexity. I become myself when I revisit the past hurts and painful memories that I once buried deep within my sub-conscious. When I focus on what needs healing, it is my broken relationship to a parent. A brother. A neighbour. A friend. An entire support system teetering on the brink of disaster. This is how I feel all the time. It is encapsulated as my brokenness. But it is also partially a response I get from my Anxiousness to people. I am surrounded by a demiseful interpretation of myself which reckons me to construct reality integers apart from endorphins. 

You can love real people if you remember the real integers in your facade: Intelligence, Usury, Integrity, Intentions, Greatness, Diligence, Economics Of Humanity. 

Can I ever become this person again?

Here's What I've Learned at 27

 1. Comfort makes more prisoners than all of the Jails combined. 

2. If you don't control your environment, someone else will. 

3. Don't just make money. Make a difference. 

4. Success is your Duty, Obligation and Responsibility. 

5. Starting at the Bottom isn't a Deficit. It's a GIFT. 

6. Set your targets higher than what you think you deserve. 

7. If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse. 

My Top Rock N Roll Quotes

 1. "Rock and Roll is Instant Coffee." 

2. Rock'n'roll is the music that inspired me to play music. There is nothing conceptually better than rock'n'roll. No group, be it The Beatles, Dylan or the Stones have ever improved on "Whole Lotta Shakin' for my money." - John Lennon 

3. "To sustain hatred is a very difficult thing to do, year after year. It's exhausting." - Nick Cave 

4. "You must be vulnerable to be sensitive to reality. And to me, being vulnerable is another way of saying that one has nothing more to lose. I don't have anything but darkness to lose." - Bob Dylan 

5. The definition of rock'n'roll lies here for me: If it screams, for truth rather than help, if it commits itself with a courage that it can't be sure it really had, if it stands up and admits something is wrong but doesn't insist on blood, then it is rock'n'roll." - Pete Townsend, THE WHO

6. "Music is a safe kind of High." - Jimi Hendrix

7. "We make it so the worst we can possibly be is great." - Glenn Frey, The Eagles. 

8. I don't have the psychology of the fat girl. I don't hide in corners. I'm a very verbose person. - Mama Cass Elliot, The Mamas And The Papas

A Hoarder's Guide To Recovery

 I am lost. 

Completely, utterly lost in the chaos of my own making. If you don't believe me, go check out my video about hoarding. I have fully addressed the guilt and pleasure I simultaneously feel from hoarding. 

Additionally, this video has been about learning to acknowledge and developing the willingness to seek help for my issues. I also realized that my Hoarding just might be the accumulation of Trauma going unchecked and unhealed. 

I suffer from a lack, that sprouted from financial challenges I faced as a First-Generation Immigrant in Canada. While I want to acknowledge that in an imperfect world, no-one is immune from hurt, pain, unimaginable torment from their own minds and hearts, I have come to recognize the accumulated baggage of my financial challenges and hoarding are interlinked by one thing; a predetermined threat to my survival.

When my survival is threatened, everything simply shuts down. Nothing else matters except my survival. Nothing and No-one. 

To be honest, it's a form of survival mechanism as complex as physics and thermodynamics combined. I am still struggling to name it, placate it on its own aisle and just altogether file it away in search of freedom. But our challenges are not something we choose. They choose us. 

I know this so deeply in my bones. 

So here are some thoughts and feelings about hoarding, from the perspective of a Hoarder: 

I substitute Hoarding for the feeling of Emotional Safety: 

I did not receive this feeling my whole life. I have sought it from my caretakers, and then from relationships. It was not until I grew closer to Allah (SWT) that I realized only he could provide me this feeling. Yet, he still wanted me to work through my problems and feelings of lack. So here we are, talking in a blog post about the millions of things that I could store up in my heart and still not find the right meaning for. 

So, years ago I took the easy route and gave up. There are not enough designer shoes in the world to fill my void. But, that has not stopped me from trying. That alongside boxes, trinkets and about 10 shirts of the same style. 

Which led me to my next discovery; 

I don't actually need this stuff to feel alive. I also don't need to go through the purging of said items to feel alive. When we get close to healing from feeling fragile, we actually discover that stuff is means to an end, not an end in itself. This all sounds philosophical to date, so let's go ahead and channel it into something more applicable: 

List of things I realized I could live without 

1. Multiple Shirts of the Same Variety

2. Multiple Jackets, Gloves, Scarves

3. Memorabilia

4. Books (Which I ended up using as a form of hoarding)

5. Multiple Dish Sets

6. Piling on Loads of Makeup Palettes

7. Old Textbooks

8. Old Sentimental Birthday Cards from friendships I have outgrown and People I will never see again due to this Ironic World where we always have to say Goodbye when we don't really know how to

9. Fantasies of Inheriting Riches through Careers that would Killy anyone's soul

10. Working myself right down to the Ground to be like the girl on the magazine cover, or any cover on any high school yearbook for that matter 

These are my Top 10. What are yours?

 

PTSD & The Human Psyche: Pt. 1

There are days when I feel high as the moon

There are times when I feel the crushing weight 

Of Venus, Mars and Earth on my Shoulder Blades

                                                                 -M. Niazi

    If life consists of continual cycles of growth, today marks one where I am gifted with an Epiphany. I only have to check my mental luggage and rummage around. Today, I have come to the realization about Healing. It cannot happen on the Cusp of Work and Personal Life. It needs space to grow and flourish. Unfortunately, we live in a world where Work and Life are on a never-ending loop, with no chain to break the sequence of events or to quieten our timid souls. If there is a way, I have found it to be prayer and reflection with God. Even that itself, is not exactly something that always works out in our favour. God also has standards that we continually fall short of. Creation is in a constant dance of agony and ecstasy.

    Coincidentally, that is what PTSD feels like; an ever-growing chasm of getting triggered by the smallest noises and wanting to save the entire starving population of Kashmir. There is no happy medium because it is intact, a medical condition lacking any direction.

Video: Healing From My PTSD

Some of the Symptoms of PTSD are: 

1. Intrusive Memories: 

2. Avoidance:

3. Negative Changes In Thinking and Mood: 

4. Changes in Physical and Emotional Reactions: 

5. Intensity of Symptoms: 

    While I am happy to say that I am no longer a hazard to myself (shoutout to PINK!), I am slowly working through each of these symptoms through mining my mind, soul and body to find better ways of coping and thriving. I chose to start off this series by writing about Thoughts. These are the very whisperings of our longings and goals, as well as chains that can hold our souls as prisoners. Since words are so powerful, it only makes sense to find out why PTSD Survivors have such a hateful, sometimes even vengeful relationship with words. 

Additional Resources: 

1. My Latest Book on Self-Love; An integral component in Healing from PTSD

https://www.amazon.com/Weeks-Self-Love-Challenge-Mary-Niazi-ebook/dp/B081Y8DVTP

2. https://themighty.com/2017/09/quotes-to-help-you-get-through-life-with-ptsd/

3. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/helping-someone-with-ptsd.htm

The Science of The Wholesome Breakfast

The whole concept of breakfast falls under the same priority list as Money and Love.


There is nothing more I want first thing in the morning than hearty breakfast. Not even a good morning kiss from my love. Actually, I am dead serious. My whole palette has evolved alongside my desire to have a more condensed, wholesome and healthy cooking routine. This morning, I woke up thinking of how to make my dream into a reality.

Then it Hit Me: Small Steps.
Small, Simple Steps.
Eliminating Extra Movements.


This concept of Small Steps is something I have already heavily invested in, with the 15-Minute Meal Prep Plans.
Here is an extra goodie for all you Ladies and Gents who make their own breakfast.
As a re-do on the Classic Continental Breakfast, I made Hash Browns using Sweet Potatoes. I chopped half a sweet potato and sautéed it for about 8 minutes. Truth be told, it was a bit over-done. I also sprinkled some dry parsley, pumpkin seeds and dry cranberries.

The entire time I was eating this meal, I was already thinking about the next one. If I hadn't taken the extra 5 minutes to think about what to add to my meal, I would not have come up with this. To be honest, there is a lot more I would change in my breakfast along with the rest of the Lunch-Dinner Ensemble. However, the Small Steps Strategy has helped me realize, that one small experiment at a time can help me achieve far more in the Kitchen than big, lofty cookbooks dedicated to the author's pets.

Maternal Warmth and Other Excerpts From The Womb

                                                                       Warmth:

    This entire experience of being jammed up on the house with my family has revealed a new territory that I never even knew counted for something. I undermined motherhood to a great degree due to my parent's divorce and internalized resentment. I thought motherhood was a frivolous pre-occupation, taken on by women lacking real purpose and enough ambition to make it to the top of the Corporate Ladder. 

    If you asked me a few years ago what I wanted from life, I would tell you an Executive Position for a major Publishing Firm in New York and an ever-growing potential to be even greater. There was also more stuff I added to my dream career board. At one point, I changed my entire goal post to include a more exciting career.With every disappointment in life, I wanted to counter it with a bigger career goal. 

So what changed?

    Once in a life someone comes around who shakes up your entire existence and makes you rearrange that ambition. Not because it's not in his self-interest. In fact, it's the exact opposite. It's because he sees enough potential in me to see that I am capable of warmth and accepting my maternal instincts. I feel so lucky to have finally become in touch with my feminine side, thanks to my new relationship. My year started off heavily on the same broken record of Achievement, and now, thanks to him, I found a care-free existence; the type only a mother can bring into this world.