Breaking Generational Curses Series A: Part 1

    The progression of my life has forever seemed to hinge upon something. When I was young, it seemed to be upon my Dad's arrival from Dubai, where he used to work. My mother would wait for days, months, and years waiting for his arrival. He was always so caught up, so recklessly self-absorbed to the detriment of his own well-being. The entire home seemed to hinge upon his permission to go out, enjoy ourselves and just breathe. If daddy had a bad day, guess who was going to bear the brunt of it. Waiting on a Narcissist as a child can really wear you out emotionally, before you even develop your emotional repertoire.

    My entire childhood also depended upon the organization of family activities as according to my mom. Not once did she bother to notice my unique tendencies or cuts in nature. In fact, she often discouraged me from being my authentic self. Even to this day, all the stacks of notes and books I have in my room bother her. I know she not so secretly wished for a different me. It's not much that she doesn't know that the one thing I am most passionate about in the world is writing, it's just that she chooses to overlook it. It's an uncomfortable reality when your daughter finds refuge in dead people and dead trees more than her own family and people she is surrounded by. I can imagine her disdain at knowing I will never care about family functions, weddings or family gossip the way she did. She made her disdain known in terms of my looks, education, mannerisms, skin tone, dialect and way of relating to people. She always tried to whisk me into a more sophisticated me. She always wished for a more constrained and reserved me. Perhaps just like her mother did of her.

I can see the motivations behind it though. Through me, her youth is relived but in a more idealized manner. I don't have any blame or resentment against her for having this way of relating to me. A lot of women are guilty for doing so. We tend to project our unfulfilled fantasies of what would have made our lives better onto our kids. The way mothers do it to their daughters is interesting because it tends to hold generational trauma of certain sorts. There is also an unspoken resentment between Narcissistic Mothers and their Daughters. The competition that eats away at their bond silently. There is always a standard to be measured up to. The close you get to that level, the more the mother raises the bar. So that you're never good enough for her. It's nothing personal though; It's just she only feels safe when she's sitting up high in her ivory tower. It's the only way for her to feel superior. She'll never praise you for your accomplishments. In fact, they're not even up for discussion. In her eyes, the only accomplishments worth noting are her sacrifices.

      It's these traumas and projections that I want to take a deep dive into and explore as a way of not only offering insight to you guys, but also pave a way for deep, reflective, meaningful and productive healing for my damaged heart. As I head into middle-age, where God has blessed me with a new start, I have decided to decode and make sense of, what I carry as a result of, the family I am from for my damaged heart.



Breaking Generational Curse # 1: Narcissism

    This words sits with me uncomfortably because I never identified myself as a full-on Narcissist. Not until I lived long enough to see the damage my Narcissism was doing to my relationships, health and career.

    Narcissism is absolutely essential to Survival. Along with good boundaries and a strong effort on achieving self-sufficiency. However, Narcissism becomes Lethal when it means hurting the ones we love. Out of spite and pettiness. It's deadly when we use it to justify to us and the world why everyone should feel sorry for us. Narcissism is a trauma passed down in many families. The repercussions of it can be seen all over the Media; Kylie Jenner & Travis Scott's Breakup, An overall rise in Divorce Rates, The unabashed war between men and women and an ever present agenda to dehumanize both Genders.

Follow me on my journey to explore Narcissism from the lens of someone who identifies as one and how we can manage and soothe this condition, while continuing to move forward and live healthy lives full of connection, compassion and sentiment.

500 Days of Journaling: Day 19

    Work is bleeding over into everything else in my life.

No rest for the Wicked right?

There has to be something to come to the surface; I'm waiting for the next lightning bolt of inspiration & motivation to hit me. 

Am I waiting on a miracle?

I feel like I've been fighting my whole life and it's always been against my own self. 

My own Inner Demons. 

My own psychosis, verbal assaults on my own psyche & my hidden fears lurking in turkey brain waters, holding me back from living out my potential.

I Just Launched My First Book on Amazon. Here's Why I Could Care Less How Many Copies I Sold

I have not been excited about much over the last month.  The bitter taste of mortality, combined with am ever mounting pile of snow outside,  and caring for a loved one makes for a Non-Nonchalant me.

What to do? What to do?
Oh, I know, I'll finally finish off that book I've been putting off.
The one born out of a series of tumultuous relationships and short-lived friendships and just the general feeling of chaos I've been feeling inside and out. The one that's been turning me into someone I don't really recognize anymore.
More on that later (probably never).


For anyone interested in checking out my book for practical help on Loving Oneself as a Single Person wading through life, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B081Y8DVTP
Now that I have got the marketing portion out of the way, here is my take on what the Sales Figures of My First Book Ever really mean to me:
Nothinggggggggggggg!!!!
Absolutely Nothing. ZIP. NADA. NILCH. NAI (Wait, is that even a word?)

It's not that I don't value my work or know my worth. Far from it. Countless one-nighter were pulled in an effort to finish this book. Even then, I was way behind production schedule. The only thing constant throughout the entire writing process was my constant backaches and loneliness. The only person who pushed me to finish my book was myself. So you'll have to excuse me if I sound a bit proud. However, I am in no way, shape or form attached to the sales record of this book.

Perhaps it's because I am just a novice writer, just stepping my foot into unfamiliar territory. Or, I lack the self-confidence to assert my marketplace value to the best of my abilities. One thing is for certain though. No-one is able to help me grasp the meaning of my writing path except myself. The same way no-one can take words out of me and pour them onto a page. For this reason, I choose to stay focused on the Art, instead of the Numbers.

If enough people resonate with what I have to say about life, thoughts which are biased and washed over my my life experiences, and they end up buying my book, then that's an added bonus. I'm here to save lives, even if it just happens to be my own.