A Hoarder's Guide To Recovery

 I am lost. 

Completely, utterly lost in the chaos of my own making. If you don't believe me, go check out my video about hoarding. I have fully addressed the guilt and pleasure I simultaneously feel from hoarding. 

Additionally, this video has been about learning to acknowledge and developing the willingness to seek help for my issues. I also realized that my Hoarding just might be the accumulation of Trauma going unchecked and unhealed. 

I suffer from a lack, that sprouted from financial challenges I faced as a First-Generation Immigrant in Canada. While I want to acknowledge that in an imperfect world, no-one is immune from hurt, pain, unimaginable torment from their own minds and hearts, I have come to recognize the accumulated baggage of my financial challenges and hoarding are interlinked by one thing; a predetermined threat to my survival.

When my survival is threatened, everything simply shuts down. Nothing else matters except my survival. Nothing and No-one. 

To be honest, it's a form of survival mechanism as complex as physics and thermodynamics combined. I am still struggling to name it, placate it on its own aisle and just altogether file it away in search of freedom. But our challenges are not something we choose. They choose us. 

I know this so deeply in my bones. 

So here are some thoughts and feelings about hoarding, from the perspective of a Hoarder: 

I substitute Hoarding for the feeling of Emotional Safety: 

I did not receive this feeling my whole life. I have sought it from my caretakers, and then from relationships. It was not until I grew closer to Allah (SWT) that I realized only he could provide me this feeling. Yet, he still wanted me to work through my problems and feelings of lack. So here we are, talking in a blog post about the millions of things that I could store up in my heart and still not find the right meaning for. 

So, years ago I took the easy route and gave up. There are not enough designer shoes in the world to fill my void. But, that has not stopped me from trying. That alongside boxes, trinkets and about 10 shirts of the same style. 

Which led me to my next discovery; 

I don't actually need this stuff to feel alive. I also don't need to go through the purging of said items to feel alive. When we get close to healing from feeling fragile, we actually discover that stuff is means to an end, not an end in itself. This all sounds philosophical to date, so let's go ahead and channel it into something more applicable: 

List of things I realized I could live without 

1. Multiple Shirts of the Same Variety

2. Multiple Jackets, Gloves, Scarves

3. Memorabilia

4. Books (Which I ended up using as a form of hoarding)

5. Multiple Dish Sets

6. Piling on Loads of Makeup Palettes

7. Old Textbooks

8. Old Sentimental Birthday Cards from friendships I have outgrown and People I will never see again due to this Ironic World where we always have to say Goodbye when we don't really know how to

9. Fantasies of Inheriting Riches through Careers that would Killy anyone's soul

10. Working myself right down to the Ground to be like the girl on the magazine cover, or any cover on any high school yearbook for that matter 

These are my Top 10. What are yours?

 

Breaking Generational Curses Series A: Part 1

    The progression of my life has forever seemed to hinge upon something. When I was young, it seemed to be upon my Dad's arrival from Dubai, where he used to work. My mother would wait for days, months, and years waiting for his arrival. He was always so caught up, so recklessly self-absorbed to the detriment of his own well-being. The entire home seemed to hinge upon his permission to go out, enjoy ourselves and just breathe. If daddy had a bad day, guess who was going to bear the brunt of it. Waiting on a Narcissist as a child can really wear you out emotionally, before you even develop your emotional repertoire.

    My entire childhood also depended upon the organization of family activities as according to my mom. Not once did she bother to notice my unique tendencies or cuts in nature. In fact, she often discouraged me from being my authentic self. Even to this day, all the stacks of notes and books I have in my room bother her. I know she not so secretly wished for a different me. It's not much that she doesn't know that the one thing I am most passionate about in the world is writing, it's just that she chooses to overlook it. It's an uncomfortable reality when your daughter finds refuge in dead people and dead trees more than her own family and people she is surrounded by. I can imagine her disdain at knowing I will never care about family functions, weddings or family gossip the way she did. She made her disdain known in terms of my looks, education, mannerisms, skin tone, dialect and way of relating to people. She always tried to whisk me into a more sophisticated me. She always wished for a more constrained and reserved me. Perhaps just like her mother did of her.

I can see the motivations behind it though. Through me, her youth is relived but in a more idealized manner. I don't have any blame or resentment against her for having this way of relating to me. A lot of women are guilty for doing so. We tend to project our unfulfilled fantasies of what would have made our lives better onto our kids. The way mothers do it to their daughters is interesting because it tends to hold generational trauma of certain sorts. There is also an unspoken resentment between Narcissistic Mothers and their Daughters. The competition that eats away at their bond silently. There is always a standard to be measured up to. The close you get to that level, the more the mother raises the bar. So that you're never good enough for her. It's nothing personal though; It's just she only feels safe when she's sitting up high in her ivory tower. It's the only way for her to feel superior. She'll never praise you for your accomplishments. In fact, they're not even up for discussion. In her eyes, the only accomplishments worth noting are her sacrifices.

      It's these traumas and projections that I want to take a deep dive into and explore as a way of not only offering insight to you guys, but also pave a way for deep, reflective, meaningful and productive healing for my damaged heart. As I head into middle-age, where God has blessed me with a new start, I have decided to decode and make sense of, what I carry as a result of, the family I am from for my damaged heart.



Breaking Generational Curse # 1: Narcissism

    This words sits with me uncomfortably because I never identified myself as a full-on Narcissist. Not until I lived long enough to see the damage my Narcissism was doing to my relationships, health and career.

    Narcissism is absolutely essential to Survival. Along with good boundaries and a strong effort on achieving self-sufficiency. However, Narcissism becomes Lethal when it means hurting the ones we love. Out of spite and pettiness. It's deadly when we use it to justify to us and the world why everyone should feel sorry for us. Narcissism is a trauma passed down in many families. The repercussions of it can be seen all over the Media; Kylie Jenner & Travis Scott's Breakup, An overall rise in Divorce Rates, The unabashed war between men and women and an ever present agenda to dehumanize both Genders.

Follow me on my journey to explore Narcissism from the lens of someone who identifies as one and how we can manage and soothe this condition, while continuing to move forward and live healthy lives full of connection, compassion and sentiment.

35 Tips for Frugal Living

1.  Build Habits that Focus on Production, rather than Consumption.

2. Make coffee at home (easier said than done).

3. Walk off Anxiety instead of relying on expensive medication.

4. Exercise to beat Depression instead of relying on expensive medication.

5. Take Free Financial Literacy Classes Online, so you are equipped with all the knowledge you need to retire.

6. Take the Bus instead of driving to work. Or any other tasks for that matter.

7. Save 10% of every pay check and put it away in a fund you won't touch for retirement.

8. Consider the costs and benefits of paying for milestones no one actually cares about as much you think they do. For example, having a luxury wedding when it's really not about the guests.

9. Consider using a food shelter if you have no money for food.

10. Rent a cheap basement room, or live with roommates to lower rent cost.

11. Cut out you cable and/or Netflix service.

12.  Buy Clothes from the thrift store or ask the church for donated clothes in times of need.

13. Learn to Cook.

14. Learn to Needle & Sew, so you can fix the wear and tear in your old clothes.

15. If you are a two-income household, go with one car.

16. Borrow books from the library instead of purchasing them.

17. Cut out drugs, alcohol and cigarettes from your diet.

18. Go out for lunch, instead of dinner dates.

19. Better yet, pack your own lunch and dinner.

20. Invest in home-mad DIT Skincare and Healthcare instead of relying on expensive products.

21. Always try to Price Match, especially in big retail chains such as Walmart.

22. Make your own birthday/holiday/special occasion greeting cards instead of spending money on buying them.

23. Clean out your fridge and freezer once a week to make a meal out of leftovers.

24. Try to go meatless at least once a week. Your arteries will thank you.

25. If possible, grow your own food.

26. Try to find the cheapest flights possible if travelling.

27.  Live a minimalistic lifestyle to avoid the temptation to shop and clutter your way into debt.

28. Get a cheaper cellphone plan.

29. Use less laundry detergent and wear clothes as many times as you can before washing.

30.  Sell you old clothes, jewelry, dishes, and other possessions that are in decent condition.

31. Invest in a juicer so you can make green smoothies at home instead of paying money for them.

32. Borrow make-up from friend or even strangers, if they have unopened extras, instead of purchasing it. Better yet, don't even bother wearing makeup.

33. Keep track of everything you purchase and review your receipts and statements at the end of every month.

34.  Consider not having kids. No, I'm actually serious.

35. Keep working and earning.

36. Be The Queen of DIY.

37. Sell your old stuff.

38. Have an emergency fund to cover 6-10 months of expenses.

39.