The Soul in Post-Modern American Capitalism: Part 1

        "I put my heart and soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process"
                                                                                                                          -Vincent Van Gogh



' I have been trying to find my Soul In Capitalism for a long time. I realized I have been trying to justify my life. All the time. To everyone and everything. It's been so unconscious that as the programming comes to surface, I sort of almost fall into a deep, empty void.

    I feel like work is the only way I have to relate to the world. I sometimes feel like my entire existence is just being a cog in the wheel. A vehicle to produce a two-second sound byte that might just come out right.

    Believe me when I say this, I am scared of facing a slow impeding reality.
Do I even have a soul? Is it a made-up thing?
I have been trying to prove something my whole life. Walking around with a chip on my shoulder and seeking to prove my worth on every chance I get. Maybe it's my inner demons unleashed; maybe I'm a product of my dysfunctional environment.Maybe I want to make my anxiety just go away so I would rather stay busy.
Maybe my crazy is my only refuge and peace.


    I've been happy about the fact that finding my soul has at least become one of my goals in life. I consider myself rendered useless without goals; In effect, goals being these abstract notions of a certain formula/design I can apply to my life, to make it more glamorous, exciting and fulfilling.

    Life is so short. I know that.
But it's also so, so, so, soooooooooooooo beautiful.
I can just love life for what it is, or walk away with my shoulders shrugged and sink back into more sorrow.I can do both simultaneously and still have the experience.
It's just, my experience is diluted without capitalism at it's fore-front. I'm not sure that's just the way life was designed, or my own personal character flaw.

    All I know is that the deeper I dive into soul, the more the notion of a matrix comes to the surface and the more I run into my real intentions.
Turns out they're not so pure.

Breaking Generational Curses Series A: Part 1

    The progression of my life has forever seemed to hinge upon something. When I was young, it seemed to be upon my Dad's arrival from Dubai, where he used to work. My mother would wait for days, months, and years waiting for his arrival. He was always so caught up, so recklessly self-absorbed to the detriment of his own well-being. The entire home seemed to hinge upon his permission to go out, enjoy ourselves and just breathe. If daddy had a bad day, guess who was going to bear the brunt of it. Waiting on a Narcissist as a child can really wear you out emotionally, before you even develop your emotional repertoire.

    My entire childhood also depended upon the organization of family activities as according to my mom. Not once did she bother to notice my unique tendencies or cuts in nature. In fact, she often discouraged me from being my authentic self. Even to this day, all the stacks of notes and books I have in my room bother her. I know she not so secretly wished for a different me. It's not much that she doesn't know that the one thing I am most passionate about in the world is writing, it's just that she chooses to overlook it. It's an uncomfortable reality when your daughter finds refuge in dead people and dead trees more than her own family and people she is surrounded by. I can imagine her disdain at knowing I will never care about family functions, weddings or family gossip the way she did. She made her disdain known in terms of my looks, education, mannerisms, skin tone, dialect and way of relating to people. She always tried to whisk me into a more sophisticated me. She always wished for a more constrained and reserved me. Perhaps just like her mother did of her.

I can see the motivations behind it though. Through me, her youth is relived but in a more idealized manner. I don't have any blame or resentment against her for having this way of relating to me. A lot of women are guilty for doing so. We tend to project our unfulfilled fantasies of what would have made our lives better onto our kids. The way mothers do it to their daughters is interesting because it tends to hold generational trauma of certain sorts. There is also an unspoken resentment between Narcissistic Mothers and their Daughters. The competition that eats away at their bond silently. There is always a standard to be measured up to. The close you get to that level, the more the mother raises the bar. So that you're never good enough for her. It's nothing personal though; It's just she only feels safe when she's sitting up high in her ivory tower. It's the only way for her to feel superior. She'll never praise you for your accomplishments. In fact, they're not even up for discussion. In her eyes, the only accomplishments worth noting are her sacrifices.

      It's these traumas and projections that I want to take a deep dive into and explore as a way of not only offering insight to you guys, but also pave a way for deep, reflective, meaningful and productive healing for my damaged heart. As I head into middle-age, where God has blessed me with a new start, I have decided to decode and make sense of, what I carry as a result of, the family I am from for my damaged heart.



Breaking Generational Curse # 1: Narcissism

    This words sits with me uncomfortably because I never identified myself as a full-on Narcissist. Not until I lived long enough to see the damage my Narcissism was doing to my relationships, health and career.

    Narcissism is absolutely essential to Survival. Along with good boundaries and a strong effort on achieving self-sufficiency. However, Narcissism becomes Lethal when it means hurting the ones we love. Out of spite and pettiness. It's deadly when we use it to justify to us and the world why everyone should feel sorry for us. Narcissism is a trauma passed down in many families. The repercussions of it can be seen all over the Media; Kylie Jenner & Travis Scott's Breakup, An overall rise in Divorce Rates, The unabashed war between men and women and an ever present agenda to dehumanize both Genders.

Follow me on my journey to explore Narcissism from the lens of someone who identifies as one and how we can manage and soothe this condition, while continuing to move forward and live healthy lives full of connection, compassion and sentiment.

35 Tips for Frugal Living

1.  Build Habits that Focus on Production, rather than Consumption.

2. Make coffee at home (easier said than done).

3. Walk off Anxiety instead of relying on expensive medication.

4. Exercise to beat Depression instead of relying on expensive medication.

5. Take Free Financial Literacy Classes Online, so you are equipped with all the knowledge you need to retire.

6. Take the Bus instead of driving to work. Or any other tasks for that matter.

7. Save 10% of every pay check and put it away in a fund you won't touch for retirement.

8. Consider the costs and benefits of paying for milestones no one actually cares about as much you think they do. For example, having a luxury wedding when it's really not about the guests.

9. Consider using a food shelter if you have no money for food.

10. Rent a cheap basement room, or live with roommates to lower rent cost.

11. Cut out you cable and/or Netflix service.

12.  Buy Clothes from the thrift store or ask the church for donated clothes in times of need.

13. Learn to Cook.

14. Learn to Needle & Sew, so you can fix the wear and tear in your old clothes.

15. If you are a two-income household, go with one car.

16. Borrow books from the library instead of purchasing them.

17. Cut out drugs, alcohol and cigarettes from your diet.

18. Go out for lunch, instead of dinner dates.

19. Better yet, pack your own lunch and dinner.

20. Invest in home-mad DIT Skincare and Healthcare instead of relying on expensive products.

21. Always try to Price Match, especially in big retail chains such as Walmart.

22. Make your own birthday/holiday/special occasion greeting cards instead of spending money on buying them.

23. Clean out your fridge and freezer once a week to make a meal out of leftovers.

24. Try to go meatless at least once a week. Your arteries will thank you.

25. If possible, grow your own food.

26. Try to find the cheapest flights possible if travelling.

27.  Live a minimalistic lifestyle to avoid the temptation to shop and clutter your way into debt.

28. Get a cheaper cellphone plan.

29. Use less laundry detergent and wear clothes as many times as you can before washing.

30.  Sell you old clothes, jewelry, dishes, and other possessions that are in decent condition.

31. Invest in a juicer so you can make green smoothies at home instead of paying money for them.

32. Borrow make-up from friend or even strangers, if they have unopened extras, instead of purchasing it. Better yet, don't even bother wearing makeup.

33. Keep track of everything you purchase and review your receipts and statements at the end of every month.

34.  Consider not having kids. No, I'm actually serious.

35. Keep working and earning.

36. Be The Queen of DIY.

37. Sell your old stuff.

38. Have an emergency fund to cover 6-10 months of expenses.

39.

500 Days of Journaling: Day 19

    Work is bleeding over into everything else in my life.

No rest for the Wicked right?

There has to be something to come to the surface; I'm waiting for the next lightning bolt of inspiration & motivation to hit me. 

Am I waiting on a miracle?

I feel like I've been fighting my whole life and it's always been against my own self. 

My own Inner Demons. 

My own psychosis, verbal assaults on my own psyche & my hidden fears lurking in turkey brain waters, holding me back from living out my potential.

I Just Launched My First Book on Amazon. Here's Why I Could Care Less How Many Copies I Sold

I have not been excited about much over the last month.  The bitter taste of mortality, combined with am ever mounting pile of snow outside,  and caring for a loved one makes for a Non-Nonchalant me.

What to do? What to do?
Oh, I know, I'll finally finish off that book I've been putting off.
The one born out of a series of tumultuous relationships and short-lived friendships and just the general feeling of chaos I've been feeling inside and out. The one that's been turning me into someone I don't really recognize anymore.
More on that later (probably never).


For anyone interested in checking out my book for practical help on Loving Oneself as a Single Person wading through life, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B081Y8DVTP
Now that I have got the marketing portion out of the way, here is my take on what the Sales Figures of My First Book Ever really mean to me:
Nothinggggggggggggg!!!!
Absolutely Nothing. ZIP. NADA. NILCH. NAI (Wait, is that even a word?)

It's not that I don't value my work or know my worth. Far from it. Countless one-nighter were pulled in an effort to finish this book. Even then, I was way behind production schedule. The only thing constant throughout the entire writing process was my constant backaches and loneliness. The only person who pushed me to finish my book was myself. So you'll have to excuse me if I sound a bit proud. However, I am in no way, shape or form attached to the sales record of this book.

Perhaps it's because I am just a novice writer, just stepping my foot into unfamiliar territory. Or, I lack the self-confidence to assert my marketplace value to the best of my abilities. One thing is for certain though. No-one is able to help me grasp the meaning of my writing path except myself. The same way no-one can take words out of me and pour them onto a page. For this reason, I choose to stay focused on the Art, instead of the Numbers.

If enough people resonate with what I have to say about life, thoughts which are biased and washed over my my life experiences, and they end up buying my book, then that's an added bonus. I'm here to save lives, even if it just happens to be my own.

5 SureFire Ways To Beat Depression

Here's something you might want to look into before heading into Winter Wonderland.

I used to think I had Depression.
The Worst Kind.
The Depression that makes you want to lie in Fetal Position and cry for an hour, while almost being tempted by the idea to suck your own thumb.
The kind that makes you cancel plans, at the very last minute, and pray you don't lose your last two friends.
The kind that makes your crash mid-day and wakes you up in the middle of the night.
The kind that feels like an ache deep inside your sad bones.
The kind that makes you feel like you're floating on a raft in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
The kind that makes you kinda just wanna die.


That's the Depression I am talking about. Or at least I thought I did.
It turned out I didn't have depression. I just happened to be allergic to people.
Meaning I discovered I ranked high on Introversion in terms of my personality. Even though I grew up in a metropolitan, surrounded by people, I peaked my performance when I was alone.
My main talents are writing and editing. I was attached to the library by the hip since age 2. However, since I grew up in a culture and family that always favoured togetherness, to the point of never valuing an Independent Identity, my unmet needs resulted in a Depression that haunted me through most of my early 20s. When I finally realized my depression was caused by filling the role of a loud, nurturing extrovert to please the world, I also reached the conclusion that I did not have to be a slave to my depression.

The only way to stop being a Slave to Depression is to Stop Being a Slave to Society, Your Parents, Siblings, Extended Family, Spouses and the world at large.


Depression is rampant in the West. It is medically defined as "A Rite of Passage for people who grew up on the promises of Technology Solving All Their Problems and Parents Who Were Too Caught Up In Their Baby Boomer Hedonism To Pay Attention".
Depression is as collective as it is personal to each individual. Depression still remains largely a stigma in a society full of Superman and Superwomen Syndrome Individuals. By the time individuals get around to accepting it as an issue, it has usually wrecked tons of damage on their immune system, interpersonal relations and work prospects.

This doesn't have to be you!!!

I urge you to download and read the Infographic made by yours truly, regarding some practical ways you can overcome your Depression. I can't wait to hear about your wellness journey and the ways you are cultivating yourself as a priority, in your work and personal lives.

Whose Skeleton Are You Wearing?

There was a time when Video Entertainment was just taking off as a medium.
That was a longggggggggggggg time ago.
I am talking the late-1800s.

Fast-forward to the eclipse of 2020, we are a fully evolved video-based economy.
Everything is instant and captured on screen.
Job Interviews, Dating Profiles, Online MBA & Masters Degrees, and the traditional avenues of Entertainment such as movie theatres and cable.

The advance of video has no doubt resulted in a large increase in consumption of video based products, especially related to Entertainment.
We are a Streaming Generation.
We stream at the bus-stop. We Stream at work. We stream at home.
The only time we don't stream is when the stream is paused or downloading.
Our voracious appetite for streaming has led to clear marketplace domination of streaming companies such as Netflix and Amazon.


However, there are obvious repercussions to streaming.
The most damaging one is my opinion is the distortion of our reality.
The beliefs, conclusions, synapses, lies, deception, assumptions, conditioning, re-conditioning we acquire from movies, songs, lyrics, tv shows and talk show/podcast hosts.
There is, without doubt, tons of positive content being put out into the world to attract an audience and help improve our mental psyche and physical/material lives.
However, there are some really dark pieces of consumption in the video compartment.
I am not even talking about pornography here, which is not necessarily evil on its own.
Instead, I want to reference dark music videos that promote false-sexuality and exploit the shame and guilt all human beings are susceptible to, in their vulnerable state.

Sure, you can say that what one consumes in the Video Medium is completely their choice. You can even ramble on about free will. This doesn't change the fact that we're largely social creatures subjected to large and heavy social pressures to fit in, watch what everyone is watching and see/feel/do what everyone else is doing. This is especially true for urban dwellers who largely function in an almost-niche type of friends circle. We naturally end up listening and watching content that does not necessarily align with our authentic nature, values or morals. Forget all that.


What strikes the most uncomfortable chord in me is the exploitation of basic human emotions.
All for the bottom-line.
Just to keep the views coming.
Just to reach the Top 40 charts.
Just to reach.
There is reckless honing in on peoples' fears, insecurities, shameful past, guilt about the future and the inherent bottom-less pit of their emotional needs.
Video makers understand these fragilities so well that they are sacrificed at the altar of every 30-second sound bite.
The end result is, of course, a dramatic increase in the neurosis we acquire as both individuals and as a collective whole.


Neurotic:

The Urban Dictionary defines it as "An Epidemic. Worse than the Bubonic Plague. A Mass Epidemic affecting Poor Urbanites and Socialites on an equal level. It leaves no room for Interpretation or a Happy Medium. Engaged in the complete malignment of one's sense of self and identity if there ever was such a thing". 

By that definition, we are all neurotic, even the monks of the Himalayas who cater so carefully to their image of being oh so fucking zen. However, they didn't need to listen to 50 Cent to gain neurosis. Theirs was probably thanks to the mountain goats that sang their infectious and annoying tunes. Which is probably the reason they learned to tune out the world in the first place.


So back to the NEUROSIS OF VIDEO.
It's there. It's Real.
It is Extremely Toxic and Damaging if consumed without proper awareness.
It is also probably as addicting as Junk Food.
It can lead to over-consumption of other products (Beauty/Houses/Expensive Cars), without addressing the underlying issue of what causes guilt and shame in the first place.
Perhaps I will make a video that will cover why.
In the meantime, skip anything that makes your stomach queasy like McDonald's fries. Or at least limit them to once a week like me.