The Soul in Post-Modern American Capitalism: Part 1

        "I put my heart and soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process"
                                                                                                                          -Vincent Van Gogh



' I have been trying to find my Soul In Capitalism for a long time. I realized I have been trying to justify my life. All the time. To everyone and everything. It's been so unconscious that as the programming comes to surface, I sort of almost fall into a deep, empty void.

    I feel like work is the only way I have to relate to the world. I sometimes feel like my entire existence is just being a cog in the wheel. A vehicle to produce a two-second sound byte that might just come out right.

    Believe me when I say this, I am scared of facing a slow impeding reality.
Do I even have a soul? Is it a made-up thing?
I have been trying to prove something my whole life. Walking around with a chip on my shoulder and seeking to prove my worth on every chance I get. Maybe it's my inner demons unleashed; maybe I'm a product of my dysfunctional environment.Maybe I want to make my anxiety just go away so I would rather stay busy.
Maybe my crazy is my only refuge and peace.


    I've been happy about the fact that finding my soul has at least become one of my goals in life. I consider myself rendered useless without goals; In effect, goals being these abstract notions of a certain formula/design I can apply to my life, to make it more glamorous, exciting and fulfilling.

    Life is so short. I know that.
But it's also so, so, so, soooooooooooooo beautiful.
I can just love life for what it is, or walk away with my shoulders shrugged and sink back into more sorrow.I can do both simultaneously and still have the experience.
It's just, my experience is diluted without capitalism at it's fore-front. I'm not sure that's just the way life was designed, or my own personal character flaw.

    All I know is that the deeper I dive into soul, the more the notion of a matrix comes to the surface and the more I run into my real intentions.
Turns out they're not so pure.